Burn out, and what I am doing about it

When Jacinda Ardern, prime minister of New Zealand, announced she would not be seeking re election I was (like many) shocked. Shocked…here is a woman I idolize. Who was doing it all, handling all the challenges a woman could handle and masterfully, with seeming ease and deep compassion. I was sad…the world needs more women like her, I thought! What will we do without her example?? Also shocked because women like that…the ones we can depend on, well their job is to run themselves straight into the ground and exhaustion right? That’s what capable women do right?! I couldn’t believe she didn’t receive the memo.

I was shocked…and then I cried. Cried tears of relief and appreciation. A leader still. Not giving up, at all. Showing us how it is done. Her tank is empty she said. Time to refill. Time to walk her child to school and pick her up. The ultimate act of unselfishness…to hand over the role without ego to someone who could pour from a full cup. She is burnt out.

When my child was three months and I returned from materinity leave and entered a seemingly never ending period of staff turnover that was truly shocking, as well as the challenges of moving into our new building. Then covid hit when he was eleven months old, so going into it I was already stressed and exhausted.

Covid took that exhaustion to an exponential level. I was managing mask mandates, more turnover, more parenting, financial issues. Endless staff training and hiring. I ate poorly, hardly slept, never worked out. I had physicial issues owing to my pregnancy (a hip replacement and two kinds of pelvic prolapse) which needed surgeries. Every time I had one I relished the two days of recovery in the hospital I was afforded. Somehow I got through it all, and survived.

We are now a year past covid. I have a stable team. The business has nearly fully recovered. And I am fully burnt out.

It started in December. I started having terrible brain fog. Blinding and ever present headaches. My short term memory was completely shot. I started having dizzy spells. No amount of sleep nightly or vacations can replenish my energy. I was diagnosed with depression. And then suddenly terrible TMJ, so bad I can hardly eat. Why is this happening now, when we are in the clear? Why not while I was going through it all?

I’ve gone to all kinds of specialists for answers, both allopathic and holistic. Everyone has a different answer. All the answers might be true at the same time. But what am I going to do about it? It seems to me at the root of all of the physical symptoms is one thing: depletion of energy coupled with trauma, which manifests as blockages of energy in the body. And why now? Because I am now safe to heal it.

The body is a miraculous and divinely intelligent set of systems. The pain in my jaw I have come to realise is actually related to those pelvic surgeries. And the pelvic issues? Owing to my pregnancy. Anyone who has had a child knows post partum care is seriously lacking in our current system. It has taken all my energy over the last four years to get any care in that regard at all, with every advantage on my side.

Regardless, the symptom is rarely the root cause. This is what I find so fascinating about healing work…it is mirrored throughout nature. The chiropractic and body work care I have started receiving to treat my joint pain mirrors the skin care we offer. The body, the soul, the brain all follow similar rules healing. And the more healing I experience the better I can offer it to our clients.

I have been told in working with various acupuncturists that I “spend tomorrow’s energy today”, which was part of the reason I get those headaches. I reach past my energy reserves for today and into tomorrow’s consistently, without replenishing my energy. I am sugar addicted. I scroll for hours each night. Every moment of my day is attached to responsibility and acheivement. I have consistently - for years - been depleting my energy. And have been operating at about 20 - 10% energetically. This is burn out.

But how to replenish my energy and thus cure that burn out?? It’s not culturally popular is it? We love our instant gratifciation and quick fixes. How to learn how to build and cultivate energy?

Here’s what i have come up with, through speaking with experts.

Regular yoga with the intention of building energy but not going overboard. A consistent challenging practice that makes me sweat but doesn’t exhaust me. And if I need to rest in my practice to gather energy, I do.

Removing “blockages” in my body caused by traumas. What is a blockage? A protective mechanism that corresponds and balances the actual root injury. In my case I have minute scar tissue throughout all my joints owing to hypermobility. I also have a wildly tight psoas muscle in my pelvis protecting my hip. To heal them I will need to reinjure them through bodywork by a professional, so that they can realign and heal properly.

Meditation of course. I practice transcendental meditation which I love because it is “foolproof”. Most people think that meditation is about emptying your mind…TM says that’s impossible so say a mantra in your head instead. Same effect.

More nourishing food with actual nutritional value. I don’t have time to cook so I order a subscription.

Being more present in my body…just the actual sensations of it. Breathing. I am also focusing on become more receptive and less active. Accepting more, battling less.

And finally…I will be changing my schedule from about July onward, to spend more time with my child. This will likely look like my only seeing clients on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and ending earlier in the day. The other weekdays will be dedicated to the back end of the office. My hope is this will keep me from spinning a dozen plates every day…every day should have it’s own small set of plates to keep my brain present in what I am actually doing.

And most importantly, I want to take my boy to Pre K and I want to pick him up. He is on the verge of not being so little anymore. He is on the verge of becoming fully conscious. And I want us to have this time together. I want to fully share this time with him, and put him first. It won’t be forever…in a few years he won’t have this time for me. So I am going to make sure I don’t miss it, now.

I would love to share with you in the upcoming months this journey of healing, and the practioners and changes I am working with to this end. We are all on a journey of healing all the time, and my hope would be that even if you don’t have the same issues we might learn something about how to heal ourselves, together.